You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
just found out they live across the street from coke dealers... rethinking the new years resolution
he fed me chocolate as I gave him a handjob. I felt like a princess.
I feel my soul being ripped out of my eye sockets
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
You told the entire smokers deck that you were blowing .08 now and anyone else willing later
I guess I look like the kind of girl who would buy edible, weed-infused lube.
facebook is just a cold reminder of all the times other bitches won my hookups
He suffocated between her tits, but she didn't notice because he still came.
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
I SHOULD BE TERRIFIED OF HIS DRAGON DICK.
Randomize
