I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
he asked me to eat out his asshole. after five minutes of uncomfortable staring i realized he was serious.
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
Guess who just got caught by mall security having sex in a car in the parking lot... at noon. This chick.
Guess who isn't pregnant with a random sex ocean baby?!?!
I was struggling morally, but once I let go, I came pretty hard.
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
Yeah, he fractured his ass by doing a canon ball into the bath tub....
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
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