My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
ha so i just found a picture of you eating paper towels and many of Laura freaking out from it.
Just had a serious bathroom emergency at walmart a and it appears that i ate a taco bell burrito wrapper last night
This guy either needs to stop touching me or buy me another drink.
I feel I should make it clear.....I'm not stalking you, I'm stalking ur dick. You don't even need to talk when you get here. At 4am I think we'd both prefer that anyway.
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
At least now when I say "never again" the likelihood is that it won't actually happen again the next weekend...that my friend is called growth
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
also please imagine me hopping a fence at 3am using two chairs. It was a shit show. K's guy practically ripped her off the top of the fence bc she got semi stuck. It was like watching Disney on Bud Ice.
I stood on the corner waiting to be picked up, dry heaving, and trying to block out the sun.
Sorry you had to clean the sheets with your macro notes
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
Do you think it would be okay if i cleaned my cartilage piercing with the leftover vodka?
Randomize
