Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
I need help removing her.
He left the bathroom door open so i would hear him masturbate in the shower to make me feel guilty for not putting out but it just turned me on cause i like guys masturbating. weird?
his penis was crooked so i rode him at an angle. he seemed used to this.
I'm actually pretty neutral about a lot of things. I'm like Switzerland with a penis.
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
Is your gma going to be okay with me passed out drunk on the ground
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
if becoming an adult is chugging a bottle of wine in your bed and crying about your stresses while your dog watches you, sign me up
Red Alert: She has 3 cats, a parrot, and 2 rats. Initiate Protocol Zero and rendezvous at Checkpoint Bravo for debriefing
We were walking to the bar with a group of people and literally made 4 stops in people's lawns garages or random walls for him to eat me out
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
Randomize
