I decided it would be a good time to smoke on one of my deliveries but then I got the munchies and ate a piece of the pizza I was freaking out so I told him it was our new pacman pizza
Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
im probably the most hungover person watchin icarly right now
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
Nope it's him. He's whispering to himself and buying asparagus.
I need to sleep with 3 more guys by midnight to meet my 2010 resolution..
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
just spent $80 on an im sorry breakfast from mcdonalds for everyone sleeping in my apartment for being a drunkass and locking everyone out of the apartment at 2am.
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
i'm scootering my little heart out so i'm not late for a weed pickup. this is the meaning of adolescence
He was saying things like "cum for me like a good girl" and "put my entire python I like to call a dick in your mouth" .. Okay I might have changed that one a bit
It was the hardest I ever came in my life and once I could see straight again I just looked at him and said "cool"
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
Randomize
