i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
Black thong, sheer white shorts not a professional look. This chick has no idea what sunlight makes her outfit look like.
Here's my recipe for happiness. Go get a pen. 1. smoke a bowl 2. put on explosions in the sky 3. take a bath. Do this for about 1 hour or until all your problems go away.
She called me Jeff during sex, I just kept going like nothing happened. To think, if I was a woman that would be a problem.
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
I wanna get shitfaced and yell about Tim tebow
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
Somehow ed fucked carrie while purposely not saying a single word to her all night. He just nodded and smiled.
Would it have been easier if he talked to her?
Yeah, but i bet him he couldn't do it. Now he gets a free taco bell combo of his choosing.
Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
He wore socks while I was giving him head. I couldn't even focus on his penis because of the socks.
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
You drank the pool water to get rid of your hiccups
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
That 2-CB was ass.
You mean the asprin cut with pez?
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