If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
I feel like our bond as friends is a lot stronger now that I've talked to you on the phone while having sex.
Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
Playing the biology drinking game in my 8am. Drink everytime he says species or organism. I love st. Patricks day
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
the ladder is at the bottom of the pool
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
Idk dude but he said something bout his "dick was gonna be so tan" then he jus jumped out of the car
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
George disappeared two hours ago with a stripper named "delicious." Haven't seen him since
Randomize
