listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
she's bipolar. she literally has TWO facebook pages. one for each personality. this. bitch. is. crazy.
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
She was a little hefty, so I turned on the strobe light in our room. Everything looks better with a strobe light.
He said he would pay my bar tab if he couldn't answer my question. He lost to the age old question of our youth. Why did pogs go out of style.
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
I find it ironic...the gays are dying to get married & I just want a fucking divorce
so i ran into nick. i may be more gay than anticipated
How do I go about this? "Hey, its my birthday in 40 minutes. Would you like to come over for some sex? Also, please bring snacks"?
Despite evidence suggesting otherwise, it turns out max is 100%straight.
Randomize
