My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
Y'all best leave this "I can only have a couple drinks" shit at the door. U don't drive to Yukon to have a shot. I'm getting u fuckers drunk.
the only two hours i was sober on this trip and i managed to break my toe. no one will believe this.
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
This feeling I'm having... is it love or a combination of alcoholism and unprotected rough sex
Banana suit guy has an entourage and they're all douchebags. There is no god.
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
So his dick was definitely bigger than it looked in all the pictures he sent my daughter.
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
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