Sometimes I find that I've been touching my boob(s) without even realizing it.
At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
He said in a slur "I go so hard, even when I..." and cut himself off by projectile vomiting all over the ice luge.
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
They should have to wear some identification that warns you to stay away. Like one of those cones dogs wear to keep them from biting stitches. CONE OF SHAME.
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
Would you accept a fantastic blowjob as payment?
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
Little girl was fucking around on the train and completely ran her head into a pole. Totally burst out laughing as she cried. Her mom was not amused. I don't think I should be a Mom. EVER.
You walked into the frat house and screamed "whose down to fuck" i think they were more intimidated than anything
YOU GOT ME SO DRUNKK
i got me so drunk!
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