I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
in case you were wondering, even a BJ under a blanket on the back of a bus only lifts a 14-hour bus ride to borderline tolerable.
I have to bobbypin his pubes for us to have sex. The other day he wanted me to braid them.
its before 9am and ive already had to dip my dick and balls in a glass of milk. probably isnt a good sign for how today is going to go.
Think I just subconsciously wanted a cigarette and started sleep walking to Carl's.. Didn't realize what I was doing until I found myself in an elevator.
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
I watch one musical on Netflix, and the "Suggested for you" section is literally almost the entire gay movie category. I feel profiled, and netflixs' accuracy about my sexuality is both impressive and offensive.
We probably shouldn't have humped each other in a stairwell for an hour. that was probably my bad
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
I woke up at 6:30 in the morning on the A train on 14th street. You wouldn't know anything about that right?
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
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