How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
lets be honest. she's not NEARLY as much fun to fb creep since she got out of rehab...
Chapter 6 - how to lose your underwear in chicago
I was wondering, is there any way to hook up a lawn hose to a keg?
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
I am sleeping in the bathtub because my bed is too soft.
So yeah he had good weed?
Okay so.. What's with me and guys who have more than 2 nipples
She found the planted magnum condom..once she figured it out it was too late.
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
Randomize
