I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
he kept looking at my chin until i asked why, then he just said he was making sure his balls didnt leave a mark.
Yep Great. Apparently I didn't just say things once that night. Drink. Yell. Repeat.
U also mentioned u werent wearing any underwear hahahaha
Im am drinking whisky alone in my parents basement. I think I just watched the point of no return stroll by.
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
The girl I hooked up with in exchange for Ramen freshmen year is living with the girl I currently wish to bang.
Try oodles of noodles this time.
YOU WERE HAVING SEX IN THE SAME BED I WAS SLEEPING IN. AND YOU GRABBED MY HAIR. OF COURSE I'M PISSED.
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
I want to be stormed in. I want to be stuck there. I want to climb a pyramid of strippers to safety
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
Arrived home from picking Mom and Nana up at the airport to find Marc buck ass nude beneath the Christmas tree. Nana says she always knew I was queer.
He woke me with blue berry pancakes and a blow job. He's a keeper.
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