she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
Facials are how you say "I love you" in porn star.
tonight, alcohol would be proud of us
You left half a beer on someones car and claimed it was a second day of hanakuh gift
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
You better fuck one or both of those bitches and bring me pictures that will make me uncomfortable
I can do at least one of those things.
I masterbate to the thought of you. You totally aren't just a booty call.
Drunbk and roasting marshmallows on my stove. Accidentally singed the catr's fur but she'sd alright.
I think I ate my cheesy fiesta potatoes cup.
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
After fooling around at the hotel til dawn, I managed to feed her with my free buffet passes. Tastes like sweet victory.
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
Randomize
