she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
I dont think punching her boob is the type of reverse psychology that will get her to blow you.
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
The secrurity code on my debit card is 420, can not lose this card.
gay flight attendant. racoons. kegels. bartender with missing teeth. too many birthdays. fucckk.
Oh my gosh they are following me around the bar
Blow your rape whistle
he tried to do a one handed cartwheel to showoff but knocked himself out cold. fuckin jagerbombs will kill that man.
Wondering when "babysitting" formed into "sleeping on the couch for five hours nursing a hangover and giving the kids Nyquil."
No worries. It'll grow back. I mean, hey, my eyebrows grew back after he shaved them off. So it's all good.
despite the cops showing up at 8am, pre gaming groundhog day was my idea yet. and by pre gaming, i of course mean getting black out drunk by 7:30am
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
Dick is dick. I’m not turning it down because he’s younger than me. Covid has been a real cockblock and I’m a woman with needs
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