dude, my own friends sent me home from a party last night. real cool assholes. real cool
it was like my fingers were behind enemy lines
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
Oh so it was one of those "I shouldn't have gotten in a cab with a random 21 year old girl" kinda nights.
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
I know this request is pointless but you two please try to keep the drinking and drug use to a minimal, I have bail money so write my number on your arm and a "if found call", wear a life jacket and act like a responsible 28 year old please.
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
I was so intoxicated last night I was giving out my real name and number ugh.
Just did it in a room with glowing stars to Peter Gabriel's down to earth on shrooms. This is like god
Are you aware that you called me "Sexy clit lady" last night?
So a guy died and our dates revived him with CPR. Good night?
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
it's too much effort for something that isn't food.
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
Randomize
