we didnt fuck last night. again. seriously, his place is like where dreams go to die.
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
That drug basically just makes anything that's in your mouth awesome
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
It's not really that big. Girls just think it feels big. It's a cocktical illusion.
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
I thought I could grab a hold of my stream of urine. So she left pretty soon after that.
this celing is unfamiliar to me... im just vaguely wondering where i am. but not quite concerned enough to do anything about it.
i repeatedly had to ask him if he was into this because he kept talking about random things while i jerked him off. i got annoyed and in order to annoy him back, i told him i wanted to watch him do it. he also talked about basketball WHILE cumming. NEVER AGAIN.
You can't just walk around stealing hats from drunk boys and peeing in bathtubs. Turn down.
I just got yelled at by a stripper for being a tease.
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
Randomize
