My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
i have a real life question, do ur boyfriends pretend to be vampires ever?
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
craigslist faux pas number 857, just got head in a disability bus.
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
For the first time in my life, I paid for my own alcoholic beverage last night. Am I getting ugly?
To be honest, kinda.
wow. there is a man who hates the post office more than me. he is causing a scene, this is a snapshot of elderly me.
"He was so not worth staining my backseat for."
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
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