Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
he broke up with me while standing outside, half naked, waiting to fuck him. i feel like a leper right about now.
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
I have two stamps on my hand....ones from the bar and one is from an aquarium...care to explain?
No I'm done finals, but I'm not coming home until these hickeys are gone.
And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
So Monday we're lesbians.
Deal. This decision is final and any rebates on this will result in losing an eyeball.
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
I don't know, I kept pretending that I was riding an elephant during. It was actually really fun, but you can't tell him that!
He doesn't want a full on relationship, he provides me with all the weed I can handle and gives me multiple mind blowing orgasms. He's my soul mate.
He went down on me for an hour and a half. He needs to get promoted more often.
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
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