I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.
Found a cheerleading trophy in my shower this morning. Explain.
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
He calls it "his noble steed" and i plan to ride it.
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
She gave me what I will now dub a "hurricane sandy". Loud, wet and sloppy BJ that made me want to stay home and complain about shit on the Internet
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
I fill condoms, not promises.
I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me
Just check with her if girls can get blown, that's all.
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
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