I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
I had so many friends before that round of Never Have I Ever.
she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
So apparently I shook her hand very polite, said weiner and walked away
I don't know what I should tell you tell you. I don't want to encourage you to dye my dog.
You told me to pour the Gatorade on you "like Flashdance"
$5 off purchases of eighths or more today only. Happy tax-free weekend. -Your consumer-minded pot dealer
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
Seriously! We need to take her a thank you note or something. She puts up with the drugs and the extremely loud sex. She deserves a thank you card.
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
oh and speaking of men I've slept with. Ryan lost 1/3 of a testicle zip lining
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
It's just not St. Patrick's Day until someone pukes on your panties.
Randomize
