Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
Changed my mind. Wearing a dress. Casual, with a side of breasts.
I guess I puked all over my hand too and I just looked at my roommate and said, "fix this."
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
He just asked if I would make his black snake moan. Dating basketball players is not worth the glory
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
YOU MAKE ANAL SEX SOUND LIKE A SPORTING EVENT
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
You squatted and peed on the living room floor while maintaining eye contact with Sebastian
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
11:30pm - Shots together. 12:15pm Shots together. 12:45pm Shots together. 9:30am Plan B's together.
Can you confirm that you aren't dead?
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
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