That can be our thanksgiving, vodka and cornbread. Just like the pilgrims.
girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
i can't believe i had a foursome before a threesome
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
If shame burned calories, I'll be back to my birth weight by the end of this weekend.
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
Wait does semen show up on blood tests?
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
these people use weed stems as birthday cake candles. I'm never coming home
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
Randomize
