toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
My astrological sign? Vagitarius.
i just discovered a movie that charlize theron is a sex addict. i think my prayers have been answered
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
Just abandoned him for a bowl of soup and the living room floor...hope the window replacement guys don't get a show..I miss you!
Fake an illness. Her and her friends are like the female version of guys who wear tapout shirts
PS my house is a mess.
pps I have a rash on my face.
Judging by your snapchat you're totally working on your project and definitely not singing, "The Sign" while shirtless with another man.
4 days in college, 3 frat parties. I haven't been this drunk since the unspeakable Jäger bomb incident in Sweden.
I shaved my pussy for you. If you complain about a single hair that I missed again, you will be greeted by a bush the next time you go down on me and i will MAKE YOU KEEP GOING
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
Randomize
