He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
hot doctor. gonna get him to touch my tits. 'think i felt a lump' excuse in 3-2-1...
the ladder is at the bottom of the pool
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
You're telling me you've never sent a picture of your cock to a girl and then were all like "Oops, sorry, wrong person! By the way...You like?"
HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
So he's compensating for a really small penis. Either that or he's a drug lord.
I may, or may not have licked his face in an Applebee's.
My heart stopped for a sec, but I snorted what I believe was cocaine off the floor, and I'm back in the fight
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
Like I want to yell at him for pissing on my floor but there's still a chance its my pee....
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
A guy who takes a plate of chicken tenders away from us is not to be trusted or slept with
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