I met a girl last nite that charged by the inch. i didnt have enough money but i figured shed be a good deal for u
then she came back into the room with a neckbrace on. i thought she was getting ready for the pounding of a lifetime.
Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
A kid in my class brought a George Foreman and cooked food mid lecture. When the prof found out, all the kid did was ask if he wanted some.
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
I put on slutty clothes under my normal clothes, im like fucking super slutwoman
Best superhero ever to exist
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
Is is gay if I donloaded Grinder to see if my roommate is gay?
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
Also we're getting drunk and sledding down Caroline street. See you soon.
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