I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
i dont know, i woke up and he was going down on me. i guess i can save his number
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
So he didn't pull out. And I like flipped out. And the he told me to chill and opened up a drawer full of packs of Plan B and handed me one.......
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
Wat the fuck dude ketchup in my bong???
Hope your thanksgiving is a complete blowjob festival.
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
He peed off the roof and then we bonded it was beautiful
I've orgasmed so many times tonight I think I've become enlightened
You were passed out in the OutBack Bowl Shrimp costume and when we asked you wtf happened you just said On Wisconsin.
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
Randomize
