well we can cross tagging a chick in a movie theatre off the list of things to do before we die
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
I looked him in the face and asked if we could stop. he asked why. I said "I can't feel it.". ...I feel bad; I should have faked.
Would it be too much if i wore depends to new moon so i dont miss any of it?
I told him i wanted to be exclusively cheating with him
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
Dancing naked to Celine dion - im alive. No better way to start the day
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
So I went to daintily fall onto my bed like I was in a hotel commercial and I completely missed my matress and landed on my floor. Just thought u should know.
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
I need a hobby that isn't dick related
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
Randomize
