His moose knuckle keeps winkin at me
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
she refused to get out of the dog cage till we sang "be our guest" to her.
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
I tried giving you a bj last night and all you could manage was "Haha that tickles" and "in the morning"
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
So for St Paddys day I colored my junk green and got a little hat for him....wanna see it before I sober up....
After he finished he laid there and told me how much work that just was. I looked at him and told him not to ruin a good thing by opening his mouth.
whatever, tonight I’ll be getting my ass eaten by an aussie so we good
So... he's my second cousin's step-bro... To do or not to do?
Randomize
