how lazy do you have to be to be a fat vegetarian?
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
I can't think of anything besides pubic hair fallout. Ugh.
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
Need. Hospital. Physically am floating.
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
I'm not sure if it was the 11 shots or your naturally vibrant personality but I recall you being quite noisy that evening
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
After we finished having sex, he drunkenly tried to hugh five me, farted, then accused me of stealing his socks.
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
Randomize
