Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
Throw up on the ground, people dancing to loud Bollywood music, seats literally missing. Fuck I hate public transit
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
Great way to live...just blowing loads on upholstery
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
Neither of us have work tomorrow and we live w/n walking distance. This is your official Sandy booty call. Come rock me like a hurricane.
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
you told me your favorite colors were "pink" "no pants" and "Mexican food"
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
Soo are you just gonna poop in my bathtub and not talk to me anymore...?
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
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