I brought my laptop into the bathroom so I can facebook while vomiting. New low?
so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
She's the second Ashley to meet and blow me in the same night. Sensing a trend.
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
I didn't want to have shaved for no reason, so I told him I'd blow him if he would just come over and appreciate the smoothness of my legs.
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
You're moving up the public shitting ladder
Randomize
