I have demons in me.
UPDATE: In a passionate fit of self love, I brought myself to orgasm under the moon on my 7th floor balcony, ejaculating between the rungs towards the ground.
Unfortunately, I did not realize that most of it would end up on the balcony below mine.
At least you don't cum in color.
dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
Redeem this text for a blowjob
imagine if the morning after your status automatically updated with the name of the person you hooked up with
were doing shots for every snowflake that hits the ground
I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
Also, lets remember that we have known each other for nearly a decade and our two most recent photos to one another are boxes of plan b
I know I've become a responsible adult because this time, I'm not going to do the drugs I found on the ground
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
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