my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
drinking steel reserve before noon and watching the price is right... 211... bet i pass out before then.
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
Just saying goodbye until I figure this whole "warrant out for my arrest" thing
I kinda wanna eat your hands right now.
Put down the everclear and go to bed.
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
Slip and slide hallway was not one of my better ideas.
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
You've fucked so many I should get a word bank when you make me guess these things.
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
How old am I that I had to sneak a boy out of my room this morning...
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
So my furniture is upside-down, two lamps are glued to the ceiling, and there is a kitten sleeping on Kyle's face. Please tell me what happened last night....
Randomize
