just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
They made my facebook status "I got my period!!!." Every guy I've had sex with at college liked it.
Well i just learned hong kong is a country...thank you olympics
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
I don't think this guy is worth it unless he's a skilled sexual amigo
I was blacked out when we met, so basically this will be a blind date.
Your cock has been in the back of my throat. Co-worker is no longer a sufficient title. Fix that shit ASAP
I feel like I hate him but his dick too bomb to hate completely
Thank you for holding my butt in a non-sexual manner when its cold. I appreciate you and your warm hands.
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
You are talking to me during sexting hours. Be careful, innuendos are taken seriously
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
What time is our conjugal visit?
Umm...who is this?
Randomize
