Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
Michael Bay diarrhea
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
You need to let him know my only agenda is coke and sadness.
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
Spent 20mins wondering why my roommate wouldn't answer after we were pounding on the door.....Def went to the wrong building.
That's like doing a cinnamon challenge in my vag - but more painful.
looked up people from my old yearbooks. 3 ex boyfriends are gay. im getting drunk now.
Leave it to you to bring a trash can into a fist fight.
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
I guess I'm famous. Hot lesbian was WARNED about me. Still hooked up with her.
I'll pay you to teach me.
Randomize
