Three words: puerto rican gang bang
I wish that guy wasn't missing teeth
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
I'm still not 100% sure who I'm sleeping with
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
thanks for passing me through your vagina 20 years ago today. your the best
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
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