Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
3 inches of snow, below zero windchill and i just saw a dude in a wrangler with no doors, shorts a beanie and burton snow goggles. God i love college in colorado
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
That makes the second boyfriend of hers that I've fucked. I'm gonna start keeping an eye on every guy she even speaks to. Girl is my sexual rabbit's foot.
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
you tried turning the bar into a spelling b competition last night and every time someone couldn't spell something you would make them chug.
OH HAPPY DAYS YOU'RE BOTH GINGERS YOU'LL REPRODUCE YOUR OWN KIND
I don't think I even want to know why you are sending my husband pictures of your nutsack.
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
I'm a peeled potato compared to her. I'm a peeled potato compared to anyone. I'm a peeled potato.
Are you high?
Randomize
