When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
no you're not listening to me HE WANTED TO BRAID MY HAIR
Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
just realized we made a drinking game to how many times they say "hakuna matata" in the lion king last night... hello sophomore year.
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
He stopped mid-fuck to explain his choice in pillows. HE WAS STILL IN ME!
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
No you just wanted to pass out in your hallway because your room was too far away
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
So someone just asked us for our kidneys?!?
Randomize
