using no condom is gross. my vagina has a dress code.
before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
Like really my mothers day gift is a pic of his dick
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
We can do this. We've been drunk at a gay bar, we will not be taken down by a Tuesday.
after giving head I just always feel like I need like. ice cream. as both a means of getting the lingering sperm out of my mouth, and a congratulations.
After the keg stand you collapsed, hit your head on the floor, started seizing and after 20 seconds got back up and said "hah, I remember my first beer"
We do have a rich storied history of emotional warfare
Don't take a pillow from my bed. You don't know which ones of them my vagina has been on
The only reason you haven't shit yourself yet is because you don't like having fun.
Randomize
