They keep asking what you are doing. I told them to quit calling her "what."
Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
i think the doormans mad at me
well we haven't pretended to pretend we were going to have a threesome with him for a while...
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
Are you having sex right now? Or is the apt just swaying rhythmically on its own? Either way, awesome.
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
Is this a drinking picnic?
Is there another kind?
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
For a girl who cried from fear the last time she was asked out, this. Is. TERRIFYING!
THAT HOSPITAL MADE ME REALIZE THAT I'M BISEXUAL
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
Randomize
