so... another position just opened up(704) Oh really?(704) Is it John's?(704) Or did you find a new way to take a penis?
I wish I only lived at night.
Honestly, I don't care whether it was a guy or a girl. Best blowjob ever.
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
dreams really do come true on the roof and drinking again
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
Owwwww. Yeah. I can barely move unless Im high on vicodin. We are bad at drinking/balancing. We will be the first to break hips and have to go into a home.
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
I woke up naked with my work shoes on
He came back with a Butterfinger and vibrator batteries. There's no refusing him now.
I AM A SEXUAL NIGHTMARE
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
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