his mom and I have the same butterfly tramp stamp. don't ask how that came up
I won the karaoke contest at the bar last night, when they called my name i was doing blow off the toilet seat, i thought they caught me, i didnt even know there wasa contest
I'm sitting in the corner at the bar with a poolstick in case a brawl breaks out. Some crazy shit is going down and I'm trying to show my feathers like a horny peacock.
I finally looked at the pictures from last night thanks for feeding me and pulling my pants up
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
It's like getting ready for my vaginas own execution
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
On a scale from 1 to total dick, how inappropriate is it to pick your boyfriend up from rehab with a hangover?
It was somewhere in between an airport security patdown and a medical examination. No groping or squeezing, just brief pokes and pats.
Some guy just walked past the bus stop in a lab coat and with a samurai sword and case...
I did what i always do when i miss him; masturbate and watch Bridges of Madison County.
Randomize
