just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
New Jersey isn't a real state, it's just a myth you tell little kids to scare them like Canada or Carrot Top
She gave me a bj in her parent's kitchen while I ate the rest of her mom's birthday cake. Fuck. Yes.
im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
I feel like he has a double life, why was he walking around at 3 am with a backpack?
It's gay pride, I'm in my EMT uniform getting more girls than your straight ass ever will..
This doesn't mean I'm going to attempt to find happiness with smooshy dick
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
only you would understand that I was talking from the perspective of my boobs
Because of you I can never eat chicken nuggets without thinking of you fucking him. I hope youre happy. I really do.
Randomize
