I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
Just walked in on the Yellow Ranger getting porked by a guy in a UD Blue Hen costume. Will somebody PLEASE think of the children.
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
Any idea who the guy in my bed tagged as rattlesnake dick might be?
besides i was ending his dry spell. it's written in the bible that jesus likes that right?
I remember nothing of last night, but I did manage to figure out which frats I went to by the trails of straw across campus.
I now own a bag of cigarettes and have no purse, awesome
this probably sounds so sketchy, but hes going to jail in a month so he needs a place to crash for now. Hes sick though, and hes paying half our rent
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
should we try and roll a cross joint since its good friday? you know, for jesus
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
Randomize
