"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
It's cheaper then a lap dance and you get your hair cut.
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
Well u missed Autumn's newly 21 yrs old sister flashing her tits and standing on the bar last night.
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
You can trust me. I'm unemployed and not wearing pants.
He took my necklace off while we were 69ing. His tongue never stopped moving either. Take that, guys who can't figure out how bras work.
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
While he was fucking me, he just stopped and said, "Mike says Hi." Then proceeded to fuck me.
What did you do?
What do you say to that!? But, when I came, I screamed out my full name.
Ewe he just snapped me a pic of his butt crack.. Should I be concerned?
Randomize
