there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
I was doing the dishes wondering what was with all the tiny little cups, but then I remembered that some people drink things other than huge mixed drinks and big cups of water the next day.
i had to take off my light up shamrock necklaces, my professor was getting suspicious.
It's only 8pm and Karl already got a stripper fired.
There is no way that a naked man in your kitchen can be explained-away as a "misunderstanding."
Well I don't know him that well so I don't think I can give advice. You should make him a cake. Or have sex with him.
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
After the party last night, I dreamt I continued drinking... Apparently my subconscious didn't think I'd had enough...
Just resonded to a booty call with "how much effort is required on my part?" I think I've finally reached the point of smoking too much pot
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
I've been to his house multiple times since that night and I STILL can't find my bra. And he says the hot tub ate my thong.
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
Don't be upset because I bitch slapped you with intelligence
she is legit trying to fuck me to death between her and work i haven't slept in 3 days and have at least 16 hours to go before sleep is a possibility. can i crash at your place she doesnt know where you live
Randomize
