I didn't go out last night, but I dreamed that I blacked out and the *CRAZY* thing I did was to eat 12 cupcakes off 12 diff plates and stack them up neatly. If I had a life, I'd hate it.
hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
Just because we buy weed together doesn't mean were a couple
Upperdeckered the toilet. Took sombrero off, drawing too much heat. Witnessed glassing. In bush, come findme.
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
Back. Waiting on Thong the shuttle bus driver. THONG
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
There is maybe 10 hours out of any given day we aren't sober.
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
Randomize
