Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
Dudes got a Polo tattoo. I don't care if he has a yacht I can't handle that level of gay.
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
he has the hands of the vagina gods.
I'm going to go out on a limb and say last night was a success, also the neighbors are counting down the days until we move out.
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
We were still up at 6am, taking shots, because thats apparently how he liked to "get the day started".
There is nothing worse then the feeling after you've held in farts all night..
What's his name?
Aaand now my client contact has seen your boobs.
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
He puked all over the side of the car and the head rest behind him...and then all he said was "America."
Randomize
