my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
So he asked me last night if I would cheer him on while he masturbated...
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
Going to the beach. Greeting Sandy with a blunt. Wish us luck!
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
Sigh. I haven't seen a dick since August 22nd. And in case you forgot, it's January.
She rode me like a jockey on that tiny couch. Then we spooned.
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
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