I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
You just took 4 shots. 2 of them were maple syrup.
Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
My only objective is to get drunk enough to forget the last 364 days.
My parents are takin me for chinese food for my 4/20 present.
I fucking hate you.
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
It has now been 10 days since we last saw Sebastians penis
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
Now i know i wasnt that drunk... So why are there texts of me volunteering for a nude photo shoot for an art major student?
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