drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
I just bought Christian paraphenilia at Borders for my dad's bday. I had the urge to tell them it wasn't mine, like I was buying laxatives or a dildo
Hahahaha. You probably would have been more comfortable buying either of those than what you just bought
I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
i dont know what it was but it was definately NOT a vagina
From what I hear, her blowjob factory was runninng at full capacity this weekend.
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
Lol. Awesome. Seriously though, I need you focused next year. We're gone have a lot of drinking and stupid nonsense to do, and I don't want dumb shit like responsibility to get in my fucking way.
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
I woke up saran wrapped to a chair....
Randomize
